I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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