could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
