Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
