i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
