I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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