I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
