omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
