somebody snuck up and got me drunk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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