Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
