I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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