I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
