just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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