EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
