oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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