Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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