I wish I only lived at night.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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