I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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