He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
