OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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