she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
