so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
