and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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