i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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