i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
