If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
