I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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