pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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