Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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