I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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