I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
