i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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