Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
