The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
