do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
