I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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