The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
