Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
