I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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