my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
