Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
