Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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