Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
