You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
