her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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