nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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