Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
