It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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