he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
