Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
