i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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